I’m tired of helping people!(Oops, Did I say that out loud?!?) It’s not that I think helping people is bad, it’s just that I personally am tired of giving and giving, probably more accurately, I have nothing left to give. Over the last 16 years we have been in the full-time business of helping people…meeting their needs. When you are in that type of work it doesn’t take long before you are surrounded by people that need something from you. After a while you get numb to their stories.
I’ve heard every sob story there is to hear and they no longer effect me like before. It’s called compassion fatigue. I’ve given and given until there is nothing left within me to give. Somehow I’m supposed to recover from this. This sabbatical is supposed to help. And I’m sure in time it will help.
To be honest I don’t know when I got like this. I know it didn’t happen over night, but I suspect my emotions have been dry for a long time. It’s an awful feeling. It’s not where I want to be, not who I want to be. But it is my current reality.
They say this is normal. Missionaries and aid workers alike struggle from Compassion fatigue. I’m following one blog and she talks about the compassion fatigue she suffered after just months on the mission field. So I guess being a little exhausted after 16 years of full-time missions is understandable. Yet I don’t know what to do with all of these feelings. I don’t know how to organize my thoughts and move forward. I guess it will take time. I didn’t get this way over night and I won’t heal overnight either. So the sabbatical is necessary. Necessary to rest, necessary to process, necessary to heal, necessary to become whole again, necessary to be able to give again.
Some days I’m disoriented and have a hard time concentrating. I pray and my thoughts drift off or circle around in my mind. It’s frustrating. Seems like we are in a holding pattern. Circling around and around waiting to land. I feel so strange. I’ve been so driven…Always pushing, accomplishing. But here, there is nothing that I can do to help this process move more quickly. I go through the daily motions, but they are the same: wake, eat devotional, exercise, cook, clean, wash clothes. I thought that I would write, but at times I can’t even collect my thoughts to do that. I know I’m glad to be here. I know I need this rest.
Pray for our family and our ministry. Change is not easy, and re-entering your passport country after years away is tough. For our girls the States is a foreign country. For the most part they have never lived here. So they too have a lot to process. Financial support for our family and the ministry is down. (People get antsy when they see change.) Instead of reaching out for clarification, some just withdraw financial support until they are satisfied that the ministry is going to continue normally. So pray for Hope House as the leadership there strives to meet the boys’ needs during this lean season. And If God brings our family to mind, please pray for us, that we will keep our eyes on the Lord and follow Him through this season and allow Him to lead us into the next.