To you, O LORD, I call; my rock, be not deaf to me, lest, if you be silent to me, I become like those who go down to the pit. Psalms 28:1
I could feel myself slipping into The Pit and yet it seemed nothing I did could stop me from descending. It was July 9, 2006 when she was born. Her tiny limp body rested in the gentle hands of my doctor. Her arms and legs, so small-hung lifeless. At first I was afraid to look, …but I needed to see her.
I had been emotionally numb for days after learning that she had died. And when my doctor suggested a natural delivery, I thought him insane. But as I laid in bed feeling the pain of induced contractions, tears began to fall down my cheeks. In that moment, I knew why he had asked me to consider not taking pain medication. Tears I desperately needed to shed, but had not been able to express came as a natural response to my pain. And that was very good for me.
Two short months after that night, I was shocked to discover that I was pregnant again. The next two years were a blur. I was preoccupied being pregnant & preparing once again for a baby. Then there was caring for a newborn and waking all through the night. After she turned one I became aware of the darkness. I had been so busy I had hardly noticed my emotional decent. I was empty and exhausted. How was it that I could have so much for which to be thankful, and yet feel as if dark walls were closing in around me.
It mattered not what I told myself, depression wrapped around me like a heavy cloak and I was unable to break free. Beyond all my common sense, emotionally I was spiraling downward and I could not see the bottom of The Pit. I slept, I cried out to God, I asked why and then I sat silently in the darkness.
In that darkness Christ met me. We sat together, cried together, …suffered together. I am not sure how long I shuffled through life just going through the motions, but one day I realized that I was no longer descending into The Pit. I could see my days becoming brighter. Little by little Christ lifted the heavy cloak until my hope was restored. He strengthened me until I could stand once again in His presence.
Once free from the dark abyss, I discovered that while there Christ had changed me. He had smoothed my rough edges and molded me into a gentler more compassionate me. And although The Pit was one of the most difficult times in my life, I would not choose to erase it. For it was there that I discovered His word true. In my weakness He is strong.